just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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