Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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