The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
