You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
