You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
