Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just gargled with NyQuil
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
