Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
