Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
