Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize