I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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