I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
