Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
