Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
