I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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