During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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