I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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