my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
