Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
