shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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