Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
