I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
