Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
