Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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