Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize