my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
