It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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