Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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