the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
