My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
