I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
