So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
