Plan B is the new Plan A
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Sober January is a disaster.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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