my mouth tastes like poor choices
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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