im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
