i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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