I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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