But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
