I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
