Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
