remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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