i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
