u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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