Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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