So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
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This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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