we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
