you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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