We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
