Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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