Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
