oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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