You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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