Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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