there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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