the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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