Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
